A time we talked so often
And I would express my feelings
Ask for guidance till it became one sided
And I kinda felt I needed space

You were always a better father
Perhaps I never knew you well enough
I never let my mom’s hate for you crowd my thoughts about you
Cause often when we talk, it’s all your fault

I would understand everything you would say
But over time I had already made peace
With the fact that you were busy trying to achieve certain goals
And honestly, it’s not a big issue that I was not part of your plan

Although I felt left out
I guess there were better things to do
And even now I’m cool with the idea of you living your own life
I live mine

I don’t hate you
I just hope you understand
I’m trying to achieve certain stuff on my own
I’m used to being alone

Not entirely
Because I talk to grandma all the time
She raised me to be my own man
Thanks to that woman I know God

It’s funny
Now I just call her “mom”
Though the first time I saw my mom
I thought she was my sister

Then finally
I found out she was my biological mom
And she was married to another person I hardly knew
I wonder if he even knew about me

I was curious
Often would follow her
To her husband’s place and watch from afar
Watching her smile and laugh with her baby

I got jealous
At times wondered if she ever thought of me
It’s crazy the only love I had was my granny’s
And somehow it was enough

But to be honest
Growing up I had to deal with the fact that neither of you wanted me
I wasn’t worth of your love
And your selfishness had me depressed all my childhood

The only reason I worked hard
Was just to have you look for me, for once
Just to look you in the eyes and say I love you still
Despite of your mistake

I am that mistake and I don’t need you
And again, not that I hate you
But I wish you nothing but love, grace and good health
Just as my grandma says

Mwenecho Botha

IT technician, photographer
Instagram: @smil3yn3cho
Lives in: Malawi

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