It might have seemed that at times I’m disturbed, despite how I always make people laugh. How I manage to walk away from bad situations with my smile intact. These are my locked away stories. Here I am putting them on display like a circle’s play.

These days I have become more silent, self alienated. Growing up I never had a lot of playtime. Only if I had, I suppose, I would have relatable stories with other children. To be honest, I had to train my mind to be less weird and try to attract company so I don’t feel left out. It’s easy to plant an idea in people’s mind or start a conversation and watch it become bigger, a debate for people. I remember times when I couldn’t conversate, I could simply just reply. Nowadays there’s so much going on around I can hardly pick a side. It all seems to be be fun, in a world where everyone wants to belong to a major group, religion, political party or other activities. We put ourselves through the process of learning what we want to be involved in so that we get a spot in that place. And people will do anything to be recognized if it’s a matter of being awarded for certain achievements.

Then there are some of us outcasts, weirdos. In time some have developed a certain skill of adapting, so it’s hard to point out were we belong. Personally I never liked the idea of belonging. I feel caged by the terms and conditions that come with the desirable group. The word family is the only word I have managed to stick with, but obviously not by choice. The best thing about family is that I can make one of my own with other people I meet out here.

It’s funny how we all have different opinions about how we can live our lives in one world. Life goes on in the same circle and we find favor, grace, miracles and blessings that even some of us don’t deserve, yet God still provides nothing but the best. Without picking sides, the Lord provides. Yet I’m (or we’re) here picking those sides. Finding people unworthy of my company, not deserving; I’m lacking so much that even I can’t provide for myself. Yet I have the guts to say I’m way out of a league. Which league? It’s a shame I have to belong to get your attention. It’s a shame I have to offer something for your affection. It’s a shame I have to look a certain way for you to notice my presence. Dress a certain way for approval. And till now this has been embedded in the minds of children.

I won’t say more for now, but remember when our parents told us not to do certain things cause they are bad? Oh well, here I am trying it all out just to tell my kids they’re bad. Let’s try to pick more helpful company. Not to “try” to “help” people, but understand why people are what they are now. Every situation has a different approach, so we need not to judge but understand.

Mwenecho Botha

IT technician, photographer
Instagram: @smil3yn3cho
Lives in: Malawi

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