30-12-2022
These past days, like 4 or 5, I’ve been waking up and allowing my brain to spiral. Not necessarily my thoughts, but really my brain. No proper routine during the day, no to-do-list to check off, thoughts of things I need to pay, but also of payments I still need to receive, plans of what to do in January, which tasks to start then, thoughts of random things I wanted to do in these days of vacation I planned for myself. If you know me or maybe already noticed, I am not an easy person to keep still. Still as in not moving or being busy. I always find something to do. And I think this combination of many things to do or to come but also doing nothing was bugging me a bit. Ok, not just a bit. A lot. It was bugging me a lot. So much so, that this morning or was it last night? — I don’t know which day is which anymore. But whatever the time was, I prayed to God with tears in my eyes, please straighten this brain of mine. Please strengthen me, speak to me and let me see, God. PLEEEASE. My head wasn’t clear. Things were blurry and I felt God wasn’t near. I felt like the enemy was pushing me around and laughing at me about it. I felt a bit hopeless, to be honest.
Ok, yes I remember, I think it was this morning. Because right after I went about my day as how it usually continues after prayer: chapter in the Bible, couple of pages of the book I’m reading (currently The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis) and two devotionals of the Bible App plans I’m doing. I woke up a bit earlier today and so also finished a bit earlier. Then later that day when it was time for my late lunch, I continued the episode Before The Person of the Relationship Goals series by Michael Todd from Transformation Church. And he spoke and showed that how when we allow God to fill us with Him, that there won’t be any room for anything else. No room for lies and deceit. And that if those lies and deceit from the enemy comes or from the people around you, that they could only stay on the surface, because your Inside would be full with God. With His living water, so pure, so true. You’d be filled with the time you spent with God. Getting to know Him. Reading the word of God and doing devotionals. The time you spent praying, talking to Him and hearing from Him. The time you spent serving your church and going to connect groups and accountability groups. Those lies couldn’t go any deeper than that surface where they at.
And after hearing this and understanding this, my eyes were opened. And realizing I hadn’t had a good meal of a sermon in some time, maybe a week or two, I noticed that this what I was feeling was me being Spiritually Hangry again. This time with those lies and messiness in my head only on the surface. I had my meal, thank you pastor Michael Todd for cooking and sharing, filled my belly, filled myself with God. His presence, my time with Him, His identity and my identity in Him filled me and dusted those lies off my shoulders again.
And so after that sermon, I took my speaker and played an album I could sing to. This time it was Here by Alicia Keys. I took my shower, gave a private concert, got out of the shower, got dressed and went on my balcony where I closed my door and window and pumped up that speaker to max. I sang and danced and vibed while I dusted off my shoulders.
Tashmness. 