[This story takes place in April 2021]
If you look up the word home in the dictionary you will probably find the following meaning:
“one’s place of residence; domicile; house.”
But home also has a deeper emotional meaning.
“Home is a safe haven and a comfort zone. A place to live with our families and pets and enjoy with friends. A place to build memories as well as a way to build future wealth. A place where we can truly just be ourselves.”
“It’s the intangible feeling you get in a location, a sense of peace, joy from loved ones or an environment where everyone knows they’re welcome. “Home” isn’t easy to define, but you know when you’re there.”
I was longing for my home. I thought that meant going back to my beautiful island, Curaçao. Where my mom and a great part of my family lives. Back to the house I grew up in. Back to the dog I had before I moved to the Netherlands and even the ones who came afterwards and still loved me like I lived there. The sound of the birds in the morning, the warm temperature, the cool breeze in the afternoon, the thousands stars you could clearly see at night. The beautiful beaches that I used to go to enjoy with friends & family, to study or to empty my mind.
The feeling of the cold blue ocean water touching my skin after all these months, my skin tensing up and the feeling when you finally jump in the water and fully submit to the water. (I’m getting home sick just writing this part). Diving in the ocean always makes me feel so small and make all my problems seem even smaller. Taking a deep dive towards the dark blue part, makes me realize that there is a whole other world down there. That I’m in fact just a tiny part of this world. I always feel better after visiting the beach.
Being back on the island and experiencing all of the above, did not make any difference. This was not the home I was longing for. Turns out… I was longing for you. The person that for the last 7 years was my home. I was so comfortable around you. I could be myself not worrying what I looked like, I could ugly cry watching movies, dance in the kitchen, walk around naked and be stupid at times. Even though you didn’t treat me right (at the end) and even though you ended up using everything I confided with you against me. I do find myself missing you. Maybe I’m not really missing you, maybe I’m missing the bond we had. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss having someone to hug really tight. I miss being that comfortable with someone.
There I was, back in Curaçao lying in bed crying. Trying to figure out my feelings. I was sad, angry, confused and especially disappointed. Disappointed in myself because lying there I realized that I was relying on someone who wasn’t (& couldn’t be) in my life anymore to make me happy again. I realized that I had spent the last few years pleasing someone else and not paying attention to my own wants and needs. The truth is, I did not really know who I was anymore. I was trying to move on and continue my life without you. But.. was I really trying or was I just hoping it would get better?
I promised myself that from that moment on I will try. I wanted to and I had to. I have to start loving myself again. Creating a new home.
SPV Accountant, Enjoyer of Life
Lives in: The Netherlands