It took me a moment to write this title. Didn’t know what to write. I’m not OK yet? Or I’m not Good yet? I’m better, yes. I feel OK, yes? But not really either. I can’t be around all people, and around some people not too long. “I’m not good yet” makes me feel like I’m a bad person and working on becoming a “good person”. So, I’m not there yet.. I’m still recovering and I think I’m still grieving.
Every year for Christmas I cry. I’ll explain it properly another time. But every Christmas, I do. It’s the time of the year for me where I let go and allow myself to feel it all. I don’t have to be strong for someone else or hold it in to take care of someone else. I let go, I feel and cry. And it’s a relieving and freeing moment. I won’t say I enjoy it, but it’s somehow satisfying and it feels good.
When I opened myself to crying, expecting it to come and allowing myself to cry it all out, I think this last time, especially with what happened, I entered in a dip. Which I’ve had before during an internship in 2018 I think, but came out off in a couple of days. It’s now 4 weeks later and I’m still getting out off this one. For sure I’m climbing back up, ascending, but surely slower as last time. I get tired moments and days, but not always. I’m usually pretty energetic, and at moments I still am, but I get tired quicker now or already want some alone time sooner. And of course last time was a lot different than this time. So, taking longer this time should be normal.
It’s strange to write “normal”. What is normal? What is acceptable or usual or average? I think I need to start reading up more about mental health. (At least until I can afford a therapist).
But still sometimes I feel I want to be alone too long or that I should try more to be or stay around people. So the thought has slipped that maybe I shouldn’t be alone too much..
Then I start reading Matthew chapter 14 which starts with the part where John the Baptist is beheaded. In verse 13 Jesus reacts to hearing the news: “..He withdrew from there by boat to a remote place to be alone”. And it’s precisely what I needed to read.
It’s so good, it feels so good and comforting to know that Jesus did this too. I’m not alone nor the only one. Jesus also wanted to be alone. He also grieved. He also felt, had emotions, had to recharge. He took His time to be alone. And this alone, already makes me feel much better. Yes, it’s ok. I’m not there yet, but I’m getting there.
Tashmness. 