It’s back. I don’t know for how long it will stay, but it’s 23:55h and 4 weeks later and it’s back. The craving, the rush, the fine feeling of wanting to write. Tonight, about a penny that just dropped. Do you know that feeling that comes with it? When something finally hits you and your eyes open to something that was hiding but calling you, riiight behind the curtain. It’s a satisfying feeling of revelation.
I started a Fasting & Prayer for 21 days wanting to get back to God, wanting to tighten, strengthen my relationship with Him. Focusing only on Him. Wanting to train myself to keep my eyes fixed on Christ. And now for some time I have also been praying for something else, which I can’t share yet. I have been praying for strength and understanding for it. Asking God to guide me in the right direction, with the right words and for His will alone to be done, to prevail. And now since a couple of days, verses or devotionals keep passing by about trusting God, having faith, knowing God is in control, not to worry.. And it’s only now, a couple of days later I fully understand it and realize that it’s God that’s answering my prayer. I know God is with me, I know I’m not alone. I have faith in Him and trust Him completely, I always say. But I see now, that me worrying about other people’s feelings translates in me not trusting God, completely.
I never liked using the word worry. I always say I don’t worry. But it’s a lie. Yes I don’t worry about myself, about my life, my future, my work, my house, my health. But I do “worry” about other people’s feelings. I never want others to be hurt because of something I did or said. I think it’s because I feel it’s something ‘I can control’.
The definition by Google of worry is: “the feel or cause to feel or the state of being anxious or troubled about actual or potential problems”. By Wikipedia it’s even broader: “worry refers to the thoughts, images, emotions, and actions of a negative nature in a repetitive, uncontrollable manner that results from a proactive cognitive risk analysis made to avoid or solve anticipated potential threats and their potential consequences”. And even though again, but now it’s the word ‘anxious’ makes me cringe, it is unfornately what I am feeling. Never about myself. I know I’m covered, God has my back. But it’s others I don’t want to hurt or want to see hurt by my words or doing. It’s the feelings of others that move me. So then me, wanting to prevent any harm start holding things back and I continue in a situation where I’m not comfortable anymore. While trying to keep the other person comfortable. How did I get here?
I think it’s a combination. I think I’m holding on to a final piece of control. At least, I hope it’s the final piece. By holding things I have to say back, I believe I control the outcome. That I spare that feeling I don’t want that other person to go through. But who am I to decide that for that person? Who am I to decide that for God? Maybe He wants me to say it, so that person can go through whatever God has planned for him or her. Which brings me to my second part of the combination. I love serving people, to help people, to make them feel good. I think this thought and will caused me to get here. But who said that holding things back is part of serving people? How did I get to that conclusion? The bible even tells us to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Which we can translate in serving others. Serving others and trusting God completely. For God is in control. He decides who goes through what, which feelings and emotions one needs to experience and which penny needs to be dropped. Trust Him, because He is the best penny dropper there is.
Ephesians 4:15 [AMPC] – “Rather, let our lives lovingly express truth [in all things, speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly]. Enfolded in love, let us grow up in every way and in all things into Him Who is the Head, [even] Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One).”
Ephesians 4:15 [HCSB] – “But speaking the truth in love, let us grow in every way into Him who is the head — Christ.”
Pray with me:
Thank You Father. For never ever giving up on me. For listening to me, already understanding and knowing what I need before I even ask for it. For always being there for me. For knowing what I need to read, see and experience at Your perfect timing. Teach me to let go. To let go of all control. Show me Father of any part or piece of control I still hold, but which I do not notice. Reveal this to me, let me see, let me humble myself, repent, ask for Your forgiveness and then let go of that control. I trust You God, completely. Forgive me for not showing You this trust and not letting go of all control. I place all control in Your hands, Father. All future conversations I place in Your hands. Go there before me and prepare me for each and every one of them. Also prepare the other person in the conversation. I place them too in Your hands. May the Holy Spirit take control of every word that comes out of my mouth. I thank You, Lord. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.
Tashmness. 