I Survived, But My Spark Didn’t

28-3-2022
Something in me turned off. I wrote about it in The 5-hour Sunset, when my little cousin died last december and I in a dip entered for a couple of days. I didn’t completely got out but kind of put it on hold. I had to pause myself to be with people. I put myself, the attention I needed to give myself on hold to be with family and to support others, give attention to others and to be there for them. Here I am, 3 months later and I still haven’t given myself that attention. I like doing this when I am alone, on my own, at home, in my room, in my space with no one else, just me in my “silence” which is not silent at all. But as I have been traveling, I haven’t gotten the chance to do and be so yet..

7-4-2022
A couple of weeks later I realized that it’s not me-time I needed, but He-time. As I said in the last post I had started a Fasting & Prayer for 21 days to simply get back to God, to get close to Him and spend time with Him to strengthen our relationship.

That spark I lost, wasn’t just me not wanting to be around people, to sprinkle on people as I normally do, to be a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, just to be there for someone in whatever mood they are in. That spark was also my affection or connection to children. I couldn’t see or look at a child anymore, a baby, a 1 year old or toddler around my cousin’s age (17 months). Something turned off and as soon as I heard or saw a child my head and eyes turned away. That what sparked my light even brighter and stronger in me whenever I saw a baby or a child around me didn’t do the same as it did before. It actually did nothing. It was dead, empty, quiet and cold. It was gone. Or so I thought.

God knows what He does, His will and His plan is perfect. His love for me is good and great and graceful and genius. He knew exactly what I needed to fix that spark. When my mom asked me if I wanted to help her out with taking school photos, my first thought was “hmm, it will then be long before I’m back in Portugal, how about work and our practice A Cegonha? And being there to pay things off”. But then I thought of course it’s nice to stay longer in the freaking Caribbean, to be with my sissy (my baby sister) and mom. It would be nice to earn some money again, after not working for almost two months. That it would be nice to arrive back in Portugal with at least a buffer before I start to go back to work there. And especially nice to pay things off. And in the back of my mind I heard “hmm, Kids..”, where normally I would think “awhh yay, Kids!”. Now, I imagined how it will take a lot of energy and that it’ll be tiring.

Well well.. oh, how God excelled. God gave me an overload of kids. Kids all around. From the age of 6 months till 12 years old. My goodness, it was a true kid-overload. And it lit my spark. The whole combination of God-time, fasting and praying, overload of kids.. it brought my spark back! I feel zen again. I can be around people again and still be my true self, not wanting to run away before I even get there.

Watching Blazy Faith by Dharius Daniels he explains about how the enemy kills, steals and destroys. That how when maybe you survived something he wanted to kill, he maybe still steals something else. Maybe you’re celebrating you survived and the enemy is looking at you saying that it’s not what he sent to steal from you. Well the enemy stole my spark. I survived the dip, I survived a troubled period. The enemy didn’t kill me, nor destroy me. Nor did he kill my spark or destroyed it. But he stole from me, he stole my spark. And he better run and hide (not that it will help at all), because God took it back and gave it back to me. God put it back where it belonged, where He put it in the first place. And now my Saviour, my King, my Provider, my Protector and favoritely, my Father, is coming for him. You puny enemy.